Joke of the day...

[woundedknees]

An octogenerian BeaverLeaver walked into his uroligists office and demanded the strongest Viagra prescription available.

His physician asked, "Do you still have sex at your age? I am required by the FDA to warn you this could be dangerous to your health!"

"Who's talking about sex?", replied the old rodent... "I just wanna stop peeing on my shoes!"

[woundedknees]

An older gentleman arrived for an IRS audit with a companion, whom he introduced as his attorney.

The IRS representative expressed surprise at this, since it was strictly an informational meeting to determine how the gentleman could possibly be declaring $186,000 in income as a professional gambler.

The old man replied, "It's really quite simple. I only bet when I know I can't lose!"

The auditor expressed doubt that that was possible, to which the old man offered to prove his point.

"I'll bet you $1,000 I can bite my right eye", he challenged.

When the IRS agent readily agreed, the old guy carefully removed his glass eye, placed it between his teeth, and bit it. After wiping it clean, he returned the eye to it's normal resting place.

When the auditor admitted he was embarrassed to lose in such a manner, because he really couldn't afford the bet, the old man offered a chance to win it back... "Double or nothing says I can bite the other eye!".

Thinking that the old fellow obviously wasn't blind, the IRS agent agreed again.

The gambler calmly removed his false teeth, bit his left eye with them, and replaced the plates in his mouth.

The auditor began to lose his temper at this point, but the old man held up his hand, and said," What if I give you one more try? I see you have a waste basket on the other side of the desk, next to your chair. What if I can stand right here by my chair, and pee across your desk, into the waste basket witout getting a single drop on anything but in the garbage pail?"

The IRS man could not resist the temptation... Surely this 70+ year old man couldn't back up such an outrageous claim!

The gambler calmly stood up, opened his trousers, and peed all over the top of the desk.

The auditor leaped for joy and and shouted, "I WON! I WON!"

Then he noticed the tears running down the cheeks of the attorney... "What's the matter with you?", he inquired.

The attorney replied, "Before we arrived, that old fox bet me $25,000 he could make you happy by peeing all over your office!"

[woundedknees]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'?' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'


'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?'


Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road....'


The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question.'


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer
and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule, Bessie'.


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over
to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand,
looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?? Now what the hell
would you say?

[autzenzoo]

wounded. you're the best...

[woundedknees]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. Disappointed with what she sees, she says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight's darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started...

Ba-Dum-Bump...

[duckduckgoose]

Good one Wounded!!

[woundedknees]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady as she sat, drinking alone, at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would have thought a person
could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[woundedknees]

Home Depot Scam Alert

This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of Their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the Back-seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you grabbing and touching you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen MARCH 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th. Also APRIL 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

[woundedknees]

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says:

"Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..."

and here I am."

Musta been a Bronco fan...

[woundedknees]

A redneck took his wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took the RN's order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

The waiter asked, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started...

[briarduck]

Pretty damn funny wounded thanks.

[Greydrake]

Well here's one to use on an annoying huskie

Knock, Knock
Whose there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Owen Twelve

[woundedknees]

V is for VENDETTA...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. She was heartsick as she packed away all the things she and her husband had accumulated in their life together. But he met someone younger and divorced her.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Champagne...

When she had finished eating, she took a few shrimp shells, put some caviar into each one. She then went into each and every room and deposited the mixture into the hollow ends of the curtain rods and replaced the finials.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning,mopping & airing the place out.

Vents we re checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which the couple had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.


Nothing worked!!!


Friends & Family stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their 'stinky' house.


Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going because she had not received any settlement checks...

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...



And just to spite the ex-wife, they even took all the curtain rods!

[woundedknees]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing!!!


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, the gift that keeps on giving. (The guy who wrote this claims it's true... ):

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised...

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie (The Cat) looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Moral of the story? If you think education is difficult, try being stupid... (All I can tell you is I have witnessed a couple of geniuses who were Lane County Deputy Sheriff's at the time try something similar during a break in a Defensive Tactics class.)

[woundedknees]

A couple old OS Alums had been arguing for years about which of them was producing the best home brew.



In an effort to settle the dispute once and for all, they each sent a sample of their best efforts to be tested by the experts at their alma mater.



After weeks of anticipation, each received an identical, notarized reply...

"Dear sir,

We regret to inform you that your horse has terminal diabetes.

Regards,

The Oregon State School of Veterinary Studies